A Stretch of Exes

Ugh. I just can't wait until this year is over. Lately I have had a heavy feeling in my chest and I keep running into exes, or even thinking about them. I ran into one today and the relationship I had wasn't the best. It was emotionally and physically abusing and I thought I was past it. We chatted for a few minutes and I know that I have no love for him anymore but somehow we got on the subject of CLARITY in our failed relationship. He said that I was the one who cheated on him when he was trying to make the relationship work. He even asked how that relationship was going. Sorry, he dumped me two years ago...by EMAIL. I guess what goes around comes around huh?

What stands out in the forefront of my mind in reflection of a lot of my past relationships is that I have in fact, been the cheater in most of my relationships and have been cheated on in others. I recall genuinely wanting the men who were emotionally unavailable which were signs that I just needed to sit back and deal with me. Come to think of it...I've had a hell of a time in the past decade and I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. Things happen for a reason.

Do I still have faith in relationships? I honestly don't know. I WANT to believe in them, but I don't know if my mind really does. Recently I felt like I fell in love with someone - who actually lives outside of the damned country but I know me... I tend to keep certain feelings to myself and if I feel like the feelings aren't mutual then they quickly dissipate. So I know this will turn into an out of sight out of mind thing. I am nowhere near trusting anyone like that so yea...no...

*sigh*

It's frustrating as shit though. I'd like to have a companion/mate but the odds are damn near impossible because either the men I come across just aren't on my level or they are on some bullshit. I've decided to just leave it up to God because I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

Mr. Box Interlude has somehow come back into my life and Lord knows that shit is distracting as hell. I'm trying to just be cool but my mind can't help but to wander...

In any event, I needed to get that off my chest. I will have a story for you next week. =)