I Remember When...

I hardly ever think I am the prettiest girl in the room. My teenage years fucked me up mentally and I know I still carry that with me. I was never the chick that guys tried to talk to or anything like that. They always came to me to hook me up with my home girls. *blank stare* It's gotten so bad that when people DO say "OMG you're so pretty!!!" I laugh in their face and be like "Stop playin'."

Throughout grade school I was the chick with the coke bottle glasses and the fucked up underbite. I got teased all the way through high school. Yes, HIGH SCHOOL. Throughout my school years “pretty” was always defined as the light skinned, girls with long hair. It still carried over into my college years. But it was in my college years I was so accustomed to not being the “hot” chick that I think I found my sexy. My features had changed quite a bit thanks to the Clark Kent look-a-like surgeon of mine, Dr. Ruggeiro. No ,no, and no, I did not have ANY plastic surgery, he had realigned my jaw and POW! The new me had arrived. Sucking it up for 2 months literally, with having my mouth wired shut had me thinking some thangs. It was then that my SUPER EGO had kicked in and there was no turning back. I knew that I was going to be the SHIT when the wire came off. I had years of catching up to do. When I had the super cutie of the school come check me WHILE being wired shut and still living at home, I figured I was on to something.

Something in me clicked after those wires were removed. Part of me was angry and the other part just didn’t give a fuck about anyone because whomever I wanted I decided that that’s who I was going to have. I fucked whomever I wanted to regardless of if they had a chick in the school or outside the school. I knew I was a sexy chick and had the swag to match. [I see you Kanye!] These were the major factors in attaining all my cases. I knew that regardless of if you had the “pretty” chick, I was the chick that was fucking you the way you probably WISHED she was. Yes, I was fucking THEM. I wanted nothing more, nothing less than the dick. Where I was Niagra, those chicks were the Sahara. I became a fantasy ride for a lot of them and I didn’t care.

Let’s not get it twisted though, I did like a few and wished that they could’ve been more but it never seemed to work out that way. What’s bad about all of this now is that I can not trust a dude as far as I can spit. I don’t see them as beings that contain any emotional inkling within them. They are all TD&B. I think that for the most part it’s sad that I feel this way. This is where that bullshit “pretty” crap bothers me. I’ll think yea he probably has a few model chicks so why would he even think about cutting the “trophy” chicks off for me? Well..I’m real that’s for sure. I don’t bite my tongue. I don’t participate in stroking egos. And a slew of other things that I don’t need to list but I say all this to say I often wonder if I can ever get and keep the hot guy OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Or will I continue to just build my wall higher and higher all the while getting lost in the TD&B? Having a lot of sex keeps me from thinking about things like this but it’s the moments like now when I am idle and can’t help but to wonder…